Most everyone looks forward to the end of Christmas as they do for the first signs of the Holiday. Waiting for the holiday errand running to slow down, for the Christmas decorations to go back into their boxes, waiting for the comfort of routine to return and the normalcy of life to start again. I am still waiting. Still walking and hoping to stumble into what I knew and what I was content with.
The magic of Christmas is long gone but between the magic of Christmas and the renewal of spring we seemed to have taken a wrong turn on a road we hope to never travel on again. We started off the year by celebrating Avery's 7th birthday and newly pierced ears. Avery planned her seventh year celebration with dinner out with family, treats at school and a shared birthday weekend trip with her Sister. The birthday trip was great and the next plans were to celebrate Reagan’s 8th with a dinner and surprise treat to school as well. But then our rut disappeared. There was nothing magic to our February at first. But maybe in order to be reminded of the magic everyone must be given a glimpse of darkness. For us this was the first. For us I hope this is all it takes. For us I hope we learned and commit to memory the lessons that were left. For us most importantly, I hope we keep the blessings that were given close to us always. Most of these keep my mind running even in sleep.
The lesson of time. How it can creep and how it can fly. How you wish for it to go back and then how you so wish for it to jump ahead to safer place. I learned the power of time.
How the running of a machine telling you when things are okay or when they or not builds a false sense of security so very quickly. The ability of a set of numbers to bring joy and fear within moments of each other. The uneasiness of the silence when you reach the point of leaving the machines behind and then silently wishing to get to depend on them again.
I learned the power in the words hope and prayer. I thought I had already knew these…I did not. I believe I knew them as only words but these are not words…I felt Hope and Prayer. Maybe we are to learn these over and over again.
The importance of community – I thought I knew this one as well. I know I have friends, I always have. But I have friends and a community that I did not know that I had.
The importance of not just having a doctor that you trust but having yet another partner who is focused, even if only when needed, on someone who is half of your heart. I knew ours would care for our daughters…I did not know she would save one. How does this appear on an eob? How is this debt covered and repaid? How do I include this in the standard Christmas card?
The importance of family. I thought I already knew this one most of all. But I did not. I had forgotten how lonely it is to be separate while in the same place. Most everyone has family; most everyone has a wonderful family. But does everyone have a Grandmother who carries you when you cannot walk? Everyone has a Grandfather, but does everyone have one who cares enough and takes the time to know his own so well that that there is no need for special plans, directions or lists, he just knows and is there. Does everyone have a little sister who remembers the important items to pack from home? Does everyone have Aunts and Uncles searching for windows to be seen through? Does everyone have family too far to be standing at the door but who are present enough to feel as though they are? Seamless. I think that is what I learned about our family. We are for the most part seamless.
I hope to not forget what I learned. I hope to not be placed in a position where I must learn them again.
I hope to be better prepared. I hope to learn how to organize this mountain of gratitude into some form of the heartfelt thoughts in return for the handfuls of well wishes, cards and gifts. Where do you search when ‘thank you’ seems so very lacking? I hope for normal. I hope for one notch above boring. I hope for routine. I hope to always be thankful.
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